Being Kind to Oneself

Written by Mathew Naismith

Try to be kind to oneself, we can be focused too much on others especially if we are influenced by our own femininity and forget or neglect our responsibility to ourselves.  Being spiritually aware can also bring on,” we should be close to being perfect “try accepting who you are at any given time. The Dahlia Lama admits he still loses he’s temper at times, just because we are spiritually aware and even connected doesn’t mean we should even try to be perfect in our own eyes.  We can tend to allow these imperfections in other people but we tend to, at times, disallow these seeming imperfections within ourselves. I did say seeming for the main reason to define a cause is judgement or a wrong, imperfections aren’t a wrong and can’t be wrong in anyway especially in ourselves. 

This is ironical, I wrote the first paragraph of this post two days ago and left it at that which isn’t normal for me to do, once I start writing I usually finish what I’m writing. Something happened to me to do with another person which I will get to later, what I experienced is significant to this post.

If we see in ourselves what other less aware people do, we are making judgement and as soon as we see any trait that is unbecoming in us in any way we are looking down at that trait or even ourselves or another person, as soon as we do this we are judging that there is a flaw. To see a flaw, either in ourselves or another person, is of judgement.  Being spiritually aware, we expect ourselves and others like us to be above normal human behaviour and when we fail in this we tend to often judge ourselves accordingly, either consciously and/or subconsciously. As soon as we see a negative in another person and try to stay away from that negative person we are making judgment and as soon as we judge in this way we have failed in our expected behavioural pattern of perfectionism.  We should at no stage expect ourselves to always behave in an expected appropriate way beyond our present habituations. 

Yes I have myself in the past judged people negative and stayed away from them mainly because they were disruptive to myself and/or others around me, in doing this I have made judgement.  Am I less of a person because of this? If I was to judge that I am less of a person for making such judgement, it is obvious I will see myself as a less of a person mainly because spiritually aware people are not allowed to judge. Who has judged that one is not allowed to judge in the first place? By making such an initial judgment in the first place that spiritually aware people shouldn’t judge is slightly hypocritical it would seem. 

As we become more and more spiritually aware judgement and anything else to do with the controlling factors of the ego will automatically dissipate, all we have to do is be aware. However by staying away from negative people because they are not positive or they make us feel bad isn’t a good way to judge, this seems to denote a controlling ego for the main reason we have judged subjectively not objectively.   When judging subjectively that we should stay away from a particular person because they don’t make us feel good is prejudicially making judgement by putting ourselves up above them. We have unwittingly compared others to us and judge them inferior to us, this is subjective judgement. How would a person be deemed as being negative, for us to stay a way from, unless we subjectively compared them to us?

I don’t actually stay away from so called negative people, I try to become aware of the difference but I don’t try to judge others of being more or less negative or positive, as soon as I have done this I have subjectively judged.  Objectively judging is not seeing that others around me are more or less negative than me, what I see is a difference within our behavioural pattern. As soon as a person who is different to me in behaviour becomes too disruptive I say something instead of ostracising them, as soon as I start to ostracise people I have become subjectively judgmental.  However confronting others about their disruptive behaviour doesn’t always work so the only recourse we have is to ostracise them or persist in our endeavours to get through to them either on our own or with other people assisting.  When we persist we are being objective as opposed to subjectively ostracising them for being negative and making us feel bad. We should also remember here, spirituality isn’t just about feeling good, it’s about awareness as a whole which at times means feeling bad as well.

How many spiritually aware people who see negatives in others and the world let a person who is suffering from terminal cancer suffer without giving assistance when needed? These people couldn’t help because they would judge such a negative situation as being bad or negative which of course would make them feel bad instead of good. I try not to judge a person suffering from terminal cancer separate from a person who is just being different to me, this way of thinking is very collective.

This brings me back to my experience with a particular person very few people want anything to do with because of his disruptive behaviour at times.  

I wasn’t feeling my usual sparky self & this bloke knew this. Latter on that evening he ended up making an unbecoming gesture towards me that was quite uncalled for.  Sadly enough this bloke can be quite narky within his gestures.  I confronted him to what he meant, I was met with silence, he couldn’t look me in the eyes at this stage which suggested what he said he meant to say.  I know a little about body language. Eventually after asking three times what he meant by what he said to me he replied, “It was a joke”.  A person who just sees a negative person would have judge him subjectively and most probably ostracised him however that isn’t what I did. I objectively brought other people into the equation and showed how disruptive and unbecoming he’s behaviour was. Being the person this bloke is, he didn’t or couldn’t apologise but according to he’s body language I got through to him. After this altercation we, somewhat, sedately continued to converse into the night without further altercations.  And yes I will have further contact with this bloke for the main reasons I don’t try to subjectively judge plus spirituality isn’t just about (me) feeling good, it’s about becoming aware of the collective. 

On the opposite of the coin, I have very little contact with a few of my rellies because they are too disruptive. Yes I stood by them and tried to reason with them for years on end however at the end I had no choice but to break my ties with them. This is subjectively ostracising them however this course of action can’t be helped at times and one shouldn’t be too judgemental upon oneself in cases like this. If we think perfection all we will do is cause more fragmentation which will cause us to judge more frequently subjectively.  

In all, when we judge, either it be objectively or subjectively, we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves for doing so, we are not divine perfect beings nor are we in a perfect world.  Judging objectively can be quite helpful to yourself and others, making ourselves and others aware of their own disruptive behaviour. Making subjective judgement can, at times, have the reverse effect.  We also need to be aware of the difference between objective and subjective judgement, one denotes a controlled ego and the other is just of the ego self, remembering we all have an ego self I believe.  This makes ostracising some of my family of the controlling ego however I will not subjectively judge myself so but objectively look at the positive effects of such actions which are many. 

Either subjectively or objectively judging ourselves and others, we must keep in mind when we judge is it going to be helpful for all concerned even if the other parties can’t see the benefits of such judgement!! The safest and kindest way to judge is objectively however that can’t always be the case when forced in a corner, don’t judge yourself too harshly when forced into that corner.